Conversation

   "You do not understand me. You do not take me seriously. You only pay attention to me when you want something.  That is when you caress me and hold me tight.  That’s not good and I don’t like that feeling.  Do not get me wrong, I love being held and caressed, but not just for your own capital gain.”

    “You confuse me to no end. I do not know where you are half of the time.  You seem to get lost quite a bit.   You never let me do what I want to do. You haven't always been there for me. Where were you when I wanted to go on that vacation? But I do appreciate you. As life goes on, I am really going to need your help. I do hope we can become closer as time goes on, and I do mean closer.”

“Hey, look, I know I can be difficult sometimes, which can be all the time. It is not easy to understand how I operate, but you should try to understand me.  Do not worry though I will be here for you. If you keep making smart decisions and working hard. Just don't mention the vacation again, trust me, I wanted to go too. I could use a good vacation.”

    “You were so kind to me.  You were always there; always easy.  Always available no matter what.  I could go to you any time to the day or night and you would never let me down.  I would smile just holding on to you.”

“I am easy to get but even harder to keep.  I have slipped through the fingers of many.  Not tooting my own horn, but I am good.  I have even given some special people the chills.  They have actually broken out in a cold sweat.  That’s just how good I am.”

    “For years you stood patiently by me. You waited for me to pay attention.  You waited for me to see you for you.  Not for what you could do for me.  I have my eyes wide shut.”  

“You’re not paying attention is what has lead you to this.  Lead you to this confusion of trying to figure out what you are going to do.  Of trying to figure out which way to turn or which action to take.  Confusion can be a tricky thing, you know?”

    “You waited for me to notice.  Why couldn’t I see the real you?  Why did I have to ignore you the way I did?  Why did I have to listen to others and do what I wanted to do?  I was hard-headed.”

“I waited for you for a very long time.  I watched you every day.  I shook my head in disbelief.  I could not believe some of the things you were doing to me and with me.  You had no conscience at all.  I felt you just did not care about anyone but yourself.  You did not care about your future.”

    “And I didn't notice you back. You are so right I did not care about my future.  I would cry at night sometimes wondering what was next for me.  Uncertainty can really be a buzz killer.  Sometimes I would wake up in a cold sweat wondering what tomorrow would bring.”

“You were consumed in your own world.  You put everything else ahead of me.  Your priorities were so messed up.  I did not think you would ever come around and see the light.  I may not always be right, but I will say this, I am right the majority of the time.”

    “I took you for granted.  I just knew that you would always be there and be available to me no matter what and no matter where.  I could come to you at any given time and you would be there.  Boy was I so wrong.  That was a wake-up call for me.”

“I guess you thought I was going to be there forever.  Yes, you were more than wrong.  Nothing or no one stays where they feel they are being used and abused.  After a while they will leave.  Some will leave and never come back; some may come back with provisions; and some may come back with complete forgiveness in their heart.”

    “I gave you away. I tossed you out like you had no feelings.  Like I didn’t even need you.  Like I knew you would come back.  No regard”.

“And all you have now is emptiness because everything you have is gone.  How does that feel?  Easy come; easy go.  Not a good feeling is it?”

    “I thought your only value was in exchange for bigger stuff. Possessions.  Baubles.  Things that I wanted knowing that I did not need them.  Just wanting to be wanting.  You provided those things for me.  I caressed and made love to those things and forgot all about you.  Tossed you to the side.  Thinking you would be there when and if I need you.”

“See where your thoughts will get you when you act without thinking?  They will get you all by your damn lonesome self.  Your negative and irrational thoughts will have you up crying at night wondering why and how.  Awful.”

    “Better house. Big enough to house five people comfortably, with enough unnecessary things in it to furnish a village in Africa.”

“And it is a nice house.   Some people would kill to have a house like this and appreciate it while doing the killing.  But not you.  There was no appreciation, you just wanted more.”

    “Better car. I just had to have a car that matched the house.  Who does that?  Oh wait.  Selfish people do that.  People who show-off do that.  For some reason they feel as though they have something to prove to people by showing off.  That is so wrong.”

“Which you bought to go with the house and it was not necessary.  I tried to tell you to keep the one you had that was paid off.  Nothing was wrong with it.  It served its purpose and was ok.  You chose not to listen to me.”

    “Better crap to put inside the bigger house.  I know I just mentioned that but I had to say it again.  Now, I am finally hearing and listening to myself talk.  I didn’t need all of that stuff.  I should be ashamed of myself.”

“You had to make an appearance to keep up with everyone else.  As they say, “Keeping up with the Joneses.”  That will only make you go broke trying to keep up with other people.  You never know their circumstances.  You only know yours.”

    “Materialistic consumerist bullshit.  Yes, I said it.  I see it now.  My eyes are open now and I can see clearly.”

“Material possessions are what get people into trouble with me. They place material over what they are and should be doing.”

    “I was just starting to figure this out.”

“You have it all figured out do you?  Tell me how you figured it out.”

    “But you had already had enough. You had left me.  I just figured you were never coming back.”

“Enough is enough.  The time had come to make you open up your eyes.”

    “You walked out.  You left me.  I don’t even know where you went.  I had no answers.”

“Easy come; easy go.  Life is funny that way.  When you do someone wrong, that someone does not stick around.”

    “And I totally understand why.”

“I do hope that you really do understand now.  It was not my intention.”

    “All along you were just a mirror. You were showing me myself. And I refused to look.  I didn’t want to see.  I thought I might not like what I saw.”

“That is most often the case.  Some people don’t like to turn a mirror around on themselves.  They hate to see the truth and rather place blame on others.”

    “I ignored you.  I forgot about you.  Forgot you were there.  I paid no attention to your worth.”

“That’s nothing new.  It happens all the time.”

    “I didn't value you.  That wasn’t good.”

“Who does?”

    “I used you.  I made you feel bad and unwanted.”  

“That’s an understatement.”

    “And I gave you away.  Balled you up; passed you around and walked away.”

“Like yesterday’s trash you did.”

    “And when you were gone for good, I was just left to look at myself.  To really examine myself and see who I really was.”

“Sometimes we have to learn some lessons the hard way.  That is what hurts us the most.  We learn when the truth is revealed.”

    “What I had done not only hurt you but I did hurt myself.  Look at me now.”

“Don’t feel like you’re the only one.  Many of people have done the same thing you have done.”

    “And all for what?”

“Maybe to cure some form of loneliness.  To try to make themselves happy.  Maybe to fill a void.  Or even to try to keep up with others.”

    “I realized everything that I had done to you - I had done to myself.  That’s not a good feeling.  I don’t like hurting like this.  This helpless feeling is not good at all.”

“That is most often the case.  Once I go away, the other person tends to feel a sense of hopelessness and abandonment.  That is never my intention, but it does happen.”

    “Every time I ignored you - I had also ignored me. I ignored what was real.  I ignored what need to be done.  I ignored the necessities.  I ignored real life for the fantasy.”

“You ignored your priorities.  Some people have their priorities so backwards that it is a shame and a wonder as to how they even get by.  Then they wonder why things go in and out of their lives.  Astounding.”

    “I had ignored my soul. My inner voice kept telling me that the things I was doing were wrong but I chose not to listen.  I wanted to live in the moment.  I know we’re not promised tomorrow and that’s what kept playing in my head.  I didn’t think about the future.  Our future.”

“You do come first, but unfortunately you put other things before you and the things you truly need.  Tell me something, did you need all those things?  Did you need all those people?  Did you pay the price?”

    “My desires, and what I mean by my desires is, I desired to go back to have a thriving business but I chose to only work my business when I felt like I wanted to work my business.  That’s not the way a business should be run.”

“The key word, “desires.”  They are not necessities.  They are just that, desires; wants; dreams.”

    “My dreams were ignored and look at where my business is now.  It’s falling apart and I’m trying my damnedest to hold it together.  I’m hoping to turn things around.”

“We all have dreams we want to fulfill but without putting any effort into our dreams, our dreams become a nightmare.”

    “You taught me that. You taught me a lot of things that I chose not to take notes on.  I see now that I chose not to do a lot of things.”  

“I actually taught you something?  That’s amazing.  I did not see that coming.”

    “You taught me what it means to value myself. I placed a lot of value on things and people that I had no valuation.  I am important as well.”

“You are an important person, and you deserve to be valued.  I have been trying to do that from day one.  You kept pushing me away like I did not even matter.”

    “My time was wasted with people and things that were not necessary.  With people and things that didn’t even care about me.”

“Your time is important and should be utilized wisely.  That is where time management comes in to play.  You did not exercise any of that.  You wasted valuable time that we could have been utilizing to our advantage.”

    “What I do in this world does not depend on others.  I get it now.”

“All that you do in this world depends on you.  You make things happen for you.  If you wait on others, you may be waiting a very long time.”

    “You taught me that my relationship with you is far greater than the stuff you can buy.  I do value you and appreciate you.”

“Is it really?  How so?  Explain that to me.”

    “It's about self-acceptance. You tried to teach me to accept myself for me not for what others saw in me.  I looked to others for validation.  My self-esteem was low and I sought acceptance in any form that I would have me.”

“Acceptance of who or what?  I accepted you just the way you were.  Nothing more and nothing less.”

    “It's about worthiness.  I didn’t feel that I was worthy unless I was surrounded by those things and people.”

“Who are you worthy of?  Me?  Be worthy of yourself.  You are the one who matters.”

    “It's about creating freedom. Security.  That is what I was not creating.”

“There are the key words.  Everyone wants freedom and security.  But you had too much freedom with the security.  The security of knowing I was going to be there.  That I would never leave you.”

    “It's about being my own hero. I should be wearing the “S” on my back.”

“You are the one you should be looking up to.  Not these entertainers.  What do they do for you?  Nothing.  They can cost you thousands of dollars, of which you do not have.”

    “As I have forgiven myself…it seems like you've forgiven me too.”

“Oh, I do forgive you.  We all make mistakes and we all learn from our mistakes in one way shape or form.”

    “You're back.  Or were you here all along?”

“I never left you.  I just had to make you see for yourself the importance of it all.”

    “And I'm so glad.  Now, I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief.”

“So am I.  Now, we can begin to work this out together.  It is about staying together and building on what we have.  Not leaving one another.  Not hurting one another.”

    “Money you are so awesome and understanding.  I see I would lose my mind with doing you wrong and pushing you out of my life.”

“No, I’m just the dollar bills in your dwindling bank account.  Those bills that we have to rebuild and make you whole again.  Do it in the right way.”

    “I love you.”

“And I love you more.  Now give me a hug.”

© 2014 Jeané Sashi